Movies

Every Tom Hanks Movie in 7 Minutes

My favorite Tom Hanks movie is Splash. No wait, it’s Money Pit. I really liked The ‘Burbs too. Classic Tom Hanks is the best. But The Green Mile was awesome too. So was Castaway even though it makes me cry when Wilson floats away. Sleepless in Seattle was great too. And You’ve Got Mail…

Alright, I can’t decide. I love Tom Hanks. If you do too then you’ll love this. Tom Hanks recreates his movies in seven minutes with The Late Late Show host, James Corden, and it’s perfection.

Most dramatic garage door close in television history. It deserves an Emmy.

Just before the 6:00 pm premiere of Breaking Bad last night, Lucas decided to take Hudson along on an errand. That would leave me home with Madison, who was contentedly hanging out in her room, and Jolie, who’d be leisurely dozing in my arms. I’d practically be alone.

Of course I already had the DVR set to record BrBa, one minute early and one minute over so as not to leave any room for missing a single second. (Don’t you hate when you’ve recorded something and it cuts off during the preview of next week’s episode or, even worse, it stops before the end of the final scene?) We planned to watch the show together once the kids were asleep and I totally wasn’t going to watch it by myself.

But.

Maybe he wouldn’t mind, I thought. As he was walking out the door I yelled to him, “Can I watch Breaking Bad!?” Just as he closed the door I heard him yell back, “No!”

Sigh. I was afraid of that.

A few minutes later while I was rocking Jolie I decided to keep my mind off the fact that the very episode I’d be waiting months to see was now playing. And what was my choice of distraction? Television. This is where I went wrong. I should have opted for my Kindle because I have three good books to read.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I turn on the T.V. and see Hank standing in Walt’s living room holding Leaves of Grass. The last channel we’d been watching was Nickelodeon and I’d forgotten that it switches channels sometimes when it starts recording. So instead of seeing Spongebob or something I was looking at Hank hiding the book in Marie’s bag and staggering toward the sliding glass door. He looked at Walt sitting there, holding baby Holly. What was Hank going to do? How could I possibly look away?!

So, yes. I watched it. I rewound to the beginning and saw it all. (spoilers) That crazy flash-forward scene with Walt getting the ricin. Hank’s panic attack. Lydia at the car wash. Walt lying to Jesse about Mike. (Did you catch it when he actually called him son?) And holy moly that scene in the garage. EPIC.

I was still reeling from the whole “tread lightly” thing when Lucas got back home. I tried to play it cool but then suddenly he asked me point blank…

Lucas: So, did you watch Breaking Bad?

Me: Yes, but I couldn’t help it!

Lucas: I KNEW IT!

Me: I wasn’t going to! I turned on the T.V. and because it had started recording, the T.V. was on that channel. So I saw this scene and I just had to watch it. It was like the Universe wanted me to see it. The Universe, Lucas.

Lucas: I knew you were going to watch it.

Me: In my defense, I was totally going to cover it up and hide it from you. I never meant for you to find out this way.

Lucas: Well, I appreciate that you can’t lie when asked a direct question.

Me: Listen, if you were in my shoes you would have done the exact same thing.

Lucas: No, I wouldn’t have. Especially if I’d asked you specifically and you said “no.”

Me: It was too late! You already shut the door. You were yelling it from outside!

Lucas: Doesn’t matter. You heard my answer.

Me: No, you were outside. It doesn’t count.

Lucas: Of course it does.

Me: Look, I wasn’t going to watch the whole thing. I was going to stop at the first commercial break. Then I thought “just a few more minutes” and I wasn’t going to watch the end but I couldn’t stop. I COULDN’T STOP!

Lucas: Uh huh.

In case you’re wondering, he’s not actually mad at me and of course I watched it again with him later. I wanted to see his reaction and talk about why Walt’s house was fenced in, and who is he planning to slip the ricin to, and what is Lydia going to do if Walt won’t come back, and did Jesse give away all of his money, and is Todd the only one cooking now, and…

And now the week-long wait for another episode.

Movie for Schmucks

I’m a Steve Carell fan, which is 90% of the reason I saw Despicable Me.  So even though Dinner for Schmucks looked like it might be rife with “dude humor,” I thought if it stars Steve Carell it must be good, right?

Wrong.

Let’s say it’s Saturday night.  You and your husband decide to make it a date night.  You get a babysitter.  You go to an expensive dinner and then head to the movies where you pay about twenty bucks just to get in.  Then you head to the snack bar and splurge a little more there.  After all, it’s not a movie until you’ve gotten the buttery popcorn and the over-sized, over-priced sodas.  If you’re going to do all of that then make it any movie besides Dinner for Schmucks or you’ll feel like the schmuck at the end for having wasted all that dough and time on a ridiculously, over-the-top, dumb “comedy.”

IMDB plot summary: Tim (Paul Rudd) is a rising executive who “succeeds” in finding the perfect guest, IRS employee, Barry (Steve Carell), for his boss’s monthly event, a so-called “dinner for idiots,” which offers certain advantages to the exec who shows up with the biggest buffoon.

5 Reasons to Skip Dinner for Schmucks

#5  Steve Carell’s best characters will always be Michael Scott from The Office and Frank Ginsberg from Little Miss Sunshine. How funny was gay Frank (not that there’s anything wrong with that) running around dressed in white with bandages on his wrists, looking like an escaped mental patient?  (And really, the same goes for Ron Livingston.  Who wants to see him play a bad guy after we fell in love with him as Peter Gibbons in Office Space?)

#4  We don’t care whether Tim (Paul Rudd) keeps his job or not.  I wondered why he’d choose to risk losing his girlfriend and his self-respect just to work with a bunch of malicious pricks on the 7th floor?  Why not stick it out on the 6th floor until something better came along?

#3  Tim’s annoying ex-girlfriend, Darla, is a caricature of every crazy, slutty, dimwitted, unshakable stalker every created.  It’s so cliché and so not funny anymore.

#2  Kieran only exists in the movie to be a viable, alternate love interest for Tim’s girlfriend, Julie.  She’s a curator and Kieran is an artist – an eccentric, oversexed, disgusting, seriously-in-need-of-some-manscaping artist.  We weren’t rooting for him, but we wouldn’t have cared whether he and Julie hooked up or not.  Which leads me to my last point:

#1  We don’t care about whether Tim and Julie stay together.  Julie already refused Tim’s marriage proposal twice and she was awfully quick to leave him just because he was going to do something she thought was “mean.”  Through most of the movie I didn’t think they’d reconcile; I thought Tim would have some sort of epiphany that she wasn’t the one for him anyway.  Her whole storyline could’ve been written out – and by extension, Kieran’s too – and the movie wouldn’t have suffered.

Steve Carell fans can skip this movie and wait for his next flick.  He’s starring in another comedy, Crazy, Stupid, Love, due in theaters April 2011.  And from what I’ve heard that will be much, much better.