Recently, Lucas and I took the kids to Goodwill. I was hoping to find an old-fashioned cake stand and they were just along for the company. As usual, I didn’t find what I wanted and ended up buying stuff we didn’t really need. This time the unnecessary purchases were a pair of roller skates for the kids, conveniently shelved next to the used walking boots and braces to remind me of the potential painful injuries. Like I don’t worry enough already.
While we were slowly herding the kids toward the checkout counter, some lady started talking on the phone very loudly. I’m usually not one to eavesdrop on a stranger’s phone conversation but… yes I am.
Keep in mind, I wasn’t trying to overhear. But she was yelling, “What?! Naked? NAKED?!”
That caught my attention.
Then she said, “Delete it! Delete the post!”
Was she talking to someone who accidentally posted a nude photo? Not gonna lie, now I was really curious.
There was a pause that I’m assuming was filled with hysteria on the end of the line. Then: “Oh my gosh! You have to get off Facebook. You don’t know how to use it! Just click on the button on the side of the post and hit delete.”
I was totally invested in the outcome. I had to know, will she get it deleted?
After another pause the woman said, “Okay, okay. We’ll check it out. I gotta go. We’ll call you back.”
She hung up the phone, turned to her middle school-aged son beside her and exclaimed, “Well, that was a stupid emergency!”
Lady, that doesn’t sound like a stupid emergency to me. It actually sounds pretty legitimate. In fact, I can hardly think of anything more urgent than deleting an accidentally-posted naked picture of yourself from Facebook. Each passing second is a chance for someone to save a digital copy of your nude selfie and it will be out there in cyberspace FOREVER. I didn’t even know this woman and I was concerned for her.
Then this woman instructed her son, who apparently has the Facebook app on his phone, to check out this mystery person’s profile. “Is there anything there?” she asked.
“No, I don’t see anything. What is it, again? Her butt?” he asked.
Pay attention, kid. This is a Level One Emergency.
“No! She was naked. She posted a naked picture of herself!” The exasperation in the woman’s voice tells me that she has been through more than a few of the caller’s self-created crises.
“Well,” the kid says, remarkably calm, “it’s gone now. The last picture posted was from a few months ago.”
The woman told him, “I don’t feel like talking to her anymore. You call her and tell her it’s gone.”
So the kid pushes a few buttons on his phone and waits for his call to connect. He says, “Hello? Grandma?”
Wait. Grandma? Grandma!?!
And yes, I did actually have the nerve to say something. I looked boldly at this woman and said, “Wait, so that was his grandmother who posted the naked picture?”
She was unperturbed by me inserting myself into this situation. She nodded her head and rolled her eyes, as if to imply, “Old people these days. What’re you gonna do?” Then we had a short pleasant chat before I had to locate my family who had wandered off to look at more stuff we don’t need. Can you believe that? They were totally unaware this whole crisis had taken place.
Some of you might be thinking I’m awfully nosy. I disagree. I couldn’t very well blog about this without confirming that I’d understood the situation correctly. So, I was like a journalist scrupulously verifying my facts and interviewing sources so that I could accurately bring you one of the greatest plot twists I’ve ever heard.