Oh No She Didn’t!
If you watch What Not to Wear you know that co-host Clinton Kelly is funny. If you read his book Oh No She Didn’t then you’ll know he’s actually hilarious. Like, maybe-he-missed-his-true-calling-as-a-stand-up-comedian kind of hilarious. Except if he were a comedian then who would remind the world that flip flops are meant for the beach, there is nothing sexy about a tattoo peeking out of your cocktail dress, and for God’s sake you do not wear socks with clogs?!
In his book Oh No She Didn’t Clinton Kelly lists the top 100 style mistakes women make and tells you how to avoid them. He schools readers in the essential difference between matching your mate – like wearing matching aloha shirts on a cruise – and coordinating with your mate – she wears a pink dress and he wears a shirt with a faint pink stripe. (Ladies, just make sure your dress isn’t pastel pink. That’s a no-no.) I’m sad that America needs reminding of the no-matching-your-mate rule. I mean, unless you two are going to the Sadie Hawkins dance together your T-shirts shouldn’t be the same.
Clinton makes it clear he understands every female doesn’t have the perfect body, nor should they be expected to. He just won’t let you use flaws as an excuse to walk around a hot mess. If you can’t find clothes that fit you off the rack, get them tailored. If you’ve got hair on your lip, bleaching isn’t enough. Time to wax! If you have frizzy hair, smooth it out or turn it into curls. Unless you are Diana Ross and then he’ll give you a pass.
Seriously, I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s entertaining and full of wise counsel, like how to shape eyebrows and the proper length for pants. I don’t say this just because I adore Clinton Kelly even though I do. If I were in New York City and knew where he lived I’d put together a fashion train wreck of an outfit and take my kids to trick-or-treat his house. When he asked me who I was supposed to be I’d say I wasn’t wearing a costume. Just before he threw up I’d ask for his autograph. And Stacy London’s phone number. Any normal fan would do that, right?
One of Clinton’s surprises for me in this book was that he doesn’t like platform flip-flops. And here I was thinking my shoes were so cute. Despite what he says, I’m not ready to throw out my fashion faux pas footwear yet. I will admit this is by far not my biggest fashion mistake. You know how on What Not to Wear the guests model their outfit disasters in that tiny room of mirrors before their makeover? In honor of that, I’ll tell you what is one of the worst moments in my fashion history.
First, a little
justification explanation. At age 16 I got a job at a clothing store, just to get a discount on clothes. The discount was great and certainly expanded my wardrobe, but working the Sunday shift that included cleaning the employee restroom? Not so great.
Anyway, one day we got a shipment of cotton shorts overalls in a crazy checked pattern of rainbow colors, the boldest and brightest being orange. I love orange. It’s my favorite color and it’s great in moderation. Except this was the 90s and some people were still dressing like it was the 80s when orange was popular. Thank you, Cyndi Lauper.
So I bought the overalls. At a discount! I may have been fine (but probably not) if only I’d chosen the overalls for my statement piece. But I didn’t stop there. Not even close. I paired them with a matchy-matchy orange shirt. And what shoes do you wear with a bright orange shirt and orange overalls? Orange canvas shoes of course. Can you believe you could buy a pair of these for a deal at Payless Shoe Source? Well, you could. What about the socks? White or black would look weird. So I wore orange socks. And yes, I wore this outside of my house. Without an ounce of shame. To school. In the hallways. In the cafeteria. In class with the guy I liked. He said, “My, you’re looking rather… orange today.” Can you believe he still asked me to Homecoming?
I’d show you a picture of this hideous outfit but you didn’t think I’d keep photographic evidence of such a disaster, did you?
Image: via FreeDigitalPhotos