When the Kids Are Asleep I Can Finally Say Something

When you have kids, trying to have a conversation with your husband is like trying to juggle and jump rope at the same time. With thirty second spurts of uninterrupted time you can’t attempt serious subject matter like politics or current events. So before 8:30 pm Lucas and I typically engage in this kind of banter:

Lucas: “You know what word doesn’t make sense to me, if you really think about it? ‘Thanks.’ Say someone holds the door for you. You say ‘thanks.’ Like, ‘here, I give you this word because you did something nice for me.’ It doesn’t make any sense. Or maybe I’m just weird.”

Me: “Well, you could always say, ‘May your kindness be returned to you in love and good fortune all the many days of your life, O Considerate One.’”

Lucas: “That’s exactly what I’m going to do! Except I may have to shorten it to an acronym.”

Me: “That won’t save you any time. You’d have to explain it and then a whole conversation would ensue.”

Lucas: “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I won’t do that.”

Or this:

Lucas: “You know, Squidward and I really do have a lot in common.” (This is one of the reasons I love him. He can watch Spongebob and have moments of self-realization.)

Me: “Like what?”

Lucas:  ”He likes croissants and so do I.”

Me, after a long pause: “Is that it?”

Lucas: “Well, I’m sure there’s others but that’s all I can think of right now.”

Later, when the kids are asleep… at the same time… finally, somehow Spongebob works its way back into our conversation:

Me: “I don’t know why people say Spongebob is gay when clearly it’s Squidward who’s gay.” (Sarcasm is great for making a point, yes?)

Lucas: “Right. Spongebob’s not all that sexual and that’s okay by me.” After some thought he added: “Sponges are asexual. Wait, no they’re not. Are they? They procreate by collecting sperm that’s…”

Me: “…just lying around?” (Pause too long and I’ll finish your sentence.)

Lucas: “No, no, no. They just release it, is all. Then the females get fertilized from the sperm in the water. “

So now you know how sponges reproduce. This blog is interesting and educational.

The Spongebob/Squidward Is Gay conversation is one that we’ve had before. It’s not just the clarinet playing or the fact that he’s had like two dates in his whole life. It’s the pink pajamas, the interpretive dancing and subscription to a dance magazine. It’s the pedicures. The bubble baths. The classical music. Of course I’m being facetious, if not a little judgmental because dancing isn’t just for gay men. (Dirty Dancing anyone?) And I see husbands get pedicures alongside their wives in my nail salon all the time.

Squidward might be metrosexual but I don’t think he’s gay. In fact, I think anyone who watches cartoons and sexualizes them are the ones with them problem. Nobody should be taking the Spongebob cartoon so seriously anyway. It is just “nautical nonsense” after all.

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